Author: Alaricia
Hobbies: Spelunking, Blacksmithing I have lots of good blacksmithing stuff including how to forge a sword and how to forge a knife., Quilling. Bungee Jumping, Hydroponics and Collecting Butterflies/Insects.
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The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse Katie's YouTube page in a different way? Check out myToybox, consult mylist of tags, or jump tothe worst stuff I’ve triedormy favorites.
Let me teach you things! Such as how tobecome a savvy sex toy shopperandavoid sex toys that will poison you.
Ramblings, usuallyabout sex toys, sometimes aboutmy gaping vagina, sometimes aboutsex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories includeDisingenuous AssholesandTrue Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.
Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2016
[Check out myannual best/worst tagfor older and newer lists!]
2016 has been atrying, infuriating, exhaustingyear, and it seems trivial to jump straight to sex toys without acknowledging that. But this is also a year in which we’ve needed to learn how to remain resolute amidst unbelievable pain. To laugh at the absurdity of our world. And if you want absurdity, oh, look no further thanmy life.
This was my ninth year reviewing sex toys for all the internet to see. This year, among other things, Iperverted a soap dispenser into a lube dispenser, let other peoplecontrol my vibrator over the internet, andplayed vaginal Chubby Bunny with tiny silicone dildos. Icycled through 12 different butt plugs in one dayandupset some dignified ladies on the internet. I boughta color-changing dildo shaped like a corn on the cobthen painstakingly photographed it in the snow. Why not.
2016 was the year I expanded my horizons byattendingseveralqueerplayparties. I also went toAVNin Las Vegas, where I put my finger in atwerking butt, met some ofmy porn idols, andstood on a man for the first time(it was great). I got recognizedat a sex shop in Vancouver, BCand felt like a goddamn rockstar. I treasured my time withclose friends,colleagues,mentors, andfans. Iturned 30,cut my hair, got asex toy manicure, and — most of all — adopted a new cat, mybeautiful hairless child. Twitter even refrained from shaved https://www.nastygal.com .
Before we bid good riddance to 2016, let’s remember some of the best and worst sex toys that came in contact with my genitals this year. Because there were somereally good ones! And someabsolute garbage onesthat you should never, ever buy.
As inyears past, I’ll first list the best/worst toys, then give out awards such as “I Risked My Life for You; You Are Welcome.†I’ve added three new awards this time: “Best of the Rest,†“Social Media Excellence†and “Old Faithful.â€
Don’t forget to comment with which toys you loved and hated this year!
Skip to a section, if you’d like:
(My favorite review and quotes of the year.)
Usually the mark of a strong review is how amused my boyfriend is by it. With this one, of thebug-like and amazingly bad Eva, he kept giggling at my dumb jokes, even calling my second-to-last-paragraph “some Oscar-winning shit.†So, I guess it’s good! (To my deep amusement, he didn’t like the way I referenced vaginas guzzling champagne because, according to him, “vaginas don’t ingest.†Well excuuuuuse me!)
There’s a special place in my heart, though, for myBubble Love review. It has everything: intrigue! Adventure! https://www.purewow.com ! Mishaps! A video!
Here are my favorite zings from the year.
What is life if not a series of attempts at proving arrogant men wrong?
—My Celebrator review
Usually, my labia don’t cross my mind often… but then theDame Evacame along, and suddenly I was digging around in there like a raccoon foraging through the garbage.
—Dame Eva review
Moral of the story: you probably shouldn’t invite me to stay in your family’s cabin. I’m apt to squirt on your parents’ towels.
—Jack-off Journal #20
Obviously, you don’t want Blink 182 against your clitoris.
—Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator
Nature clearly didn’t take anuses into account when crafting the carrot.
—Hole Punch Toys review
I figured theTantus Uncut #1would feel like fucking myself with a birthday candle, yet I was still surprised by how much it felt like fucking myself with a birthday candle.
—Tiny Dildos review
My G-spot can’t speak English, but here’s a rough transcript of its thoughts when I use theRave:
[unintelligible screaming]
—We-Vibe Rave review
. . . I like the way I can wedge the koala’s ear into the side of my clit. That is a sentence that should maybe never be taken out of context.
—Downunder Toys review
Evatries to keep your vagina accessible, open to being penetrated at all times. You know, so objects can slide into it. Or fly into it. Or plop into it. Whatever. I don’t know how you have sex.
—Dame Eva review
I set the suction cup on the side of the tub, where my cat promptly batted it onto the floor while yelling at me. He seemed worried about me for some reason. Intuition, I guess. I should’ve trusted him.
—Bubble Love review
—————
(My greatest non-review post of the year.)
There has been a draft of this post, “A sex blogger by any other name,†in my dashboard since 2014, but in the years since then, the importance of my chosen pseudonym has come into sharp focus. I’ve mustered the strength to own the name, to claim it confidently, which I now realize was necessary for this post to come to fruition. It even prompted a new blog category, “Break Out the Tissues.â€
Honorable mention:“Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator,†an in-depth explanation of vibration types and why they matter so much.
—————
(My most difficult review to write.)
A moment of silence for my pride. When I expect to hate something, then don’t, andthat thingis also atrociously pink and pretty much only stocked on Amazon and potentially not evenbody-safe, it freaks me out. I don’t like admitting that I’m wrong, but that’s basically what I had to do in my review ofMy Celebrator. I also got to complain about pompous men, though, so overall, a worthwhile review.
Honorable mention:Fun Factory Boosty. Describing the sensations of anal toys still eludes me. “It’s, like, plugging my butt?â€
—————
(A toy that caused pain, night sweats, disillusionment, etc.)
Dunno if you heard, butI put 20 miniature silicone dildos in my vaginathis year. It felt… increasingly disconcerting and not at all good.
The hilarious thing about the tiny dildo fiasco is that it didn’t technicallyhaveto happen at all. It was anApril Fool’s joke, so I could’ve written the entire review having notactuallystuffed the toys in my vagina. But my morbid curiosity forced me to find out what the sensation would be like. Now I’d like to block that sensation from my memory.
—————
(Honoring actual innovation in the sex toy industry.)
Hell has frozen over: I like theWe-Vibe Nova. I realize I risk damaging my cred by saying so, because historically,I dislike dual/rabbit vibes. But… this one lines up with my anatomy, and the vibrations are decent, and the clitoral part isn’t some wimpypokeyshape. The Nova’s wave-like clitoral arm isn’t meant to arch over the clit but instead push up against it, bending back in use. This means I can actually thrust a little and maintain clitoral stimulation — a rarity for a dual vibe.
The Nova is, of course, still anatomy-dependent. It doesn’twork for everyone. Still, it’s an example of how, by tweaking familiar shapes and thinking a little outside the box, a company can create something fresh.
—————
(A toy helpfully undoing all our progress.)
So here’s how youdon’tmake a dual-stimulation toy, as demonstrated perfectly byFun Factory’s Bi Stronic Fusion. Don’t equip it with a shaft that moves, and therefore breaks the clitoral contact with every thrust. Don’t give the external portion of the toy the shittiestbuzziestmotor in your arsenal. Don’t charge $219 for it — nobody isthatsure it will fit their anatomy. Just don’t. You’ve upset me now.
—————
(A toy that got a lot of action this year.)
2016 was the year I somehow became cool enough to beregularlyinvitedtoplayparties(!?), and on each occasion I toted along my trusty(Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable. It just seemed like the right thing to do: it’s iconic, it’s all the power I’ll ever need, and it’s cordless, so no hunting for a wall socket. This vibrator is badass enough to become the center of attention if the situation calls for it, but innocuous enough to blend in to the background if I want to sit back and indulge in some casual Hitaching.
It’s also more impressive than my mere presence will ever be. One party attendee saw it peeking out of my bag and asked me, “is that theMagic Wand? Is it the rechargeable one?†And I replied, “ofcourse.â€
—————
Being clever in only 140 characters is an art form. Katie's Reddit profile keep track ofmy best tweets of all time, but here are my very favorites from 2016.
Innocently Drinking Wine on My Porch and My Neighbors Don't Know I Just Squirted: the Epiphora Story
— Epiphora (@Epiphora)May 13, 2016
I heard a buzzing sound and my immediate thought was, "what, whose vibrator just turned itself on?"
…it was an actual bee.#dildoholiday
— Epiphora (@Epiphora)November 13, 2016
Me getting a package in the mail from Astroglidepic.twitter.com/HBe03Kwzmm
— Epiphora (@Epiphora)July 28, 2016
Got invited to a queer fisting party tonight. I wasn't sure about going, but then I learned there will be a polydactyl cat at the residence
— Epiphora (@Epiphora)June 15, 2016
Known creeper asks "what's the best lube for my penis??"
I resist replying:
"antifreeze"
"gasoline and a match"
"wasabi"
"just… a knife"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora)June 28, 2016
—————
Back in my day, sex toys did as they were told and otherwise left us well enough alone. Now, in our seemingly unstoppable push toward automation, a slew of new toys react to bodily changes instead, and some even give you feedback and suggestions afterward. So just in case your parents and the media and your doctor and your bosses andCosmoand Twitter don’t give you enough incessant tips for bettering yourself, now sex toys can!
I understand the impulse, and I don’t disagree with the usefulness of it for some people… but it seems so unnecessary. TheHUM, for instance, has sensors that detect motion and pressure, vibrating back what it assumes you want. As if my vagina knows something I don’t? Nah, brah. I don’t need an “artificially intelligent†vibrator because I already have a computer that tells me what feels good — it’s calledmy brain.
I dunno. I can’t shake the feeling that these toys want to do things for us because they don’t trust us to do them ourselves. It feels vaguely misogynist, like women are so fickle and confusing that the only way to satisfy them is to gather scientific data from their bodies. For nerding out purposes, sure, knowing how fast I’m thrusting a dildo appeals to me. But knowing how fast my partner thrusts in order to judge him on it… does not appeal to me.
Quantifying sex is all the rage right now. TheLovely cock ringmonitors your body movements and then gives you a “sex report†afterward, listing how many calories you burned, how many MILES PER HOUR you moved, and offers “personalized†tips for next time, such as — I’m not making this up — “Engage in foreplay for 4 more minutes and start the intercourse with position ’69.'†Like men need another thing to get macho about! I do not want someone trying to break their own speed record while fucking me, or mansplaining that we should 69 because “the app said so.â€
Fuck 69, by the way.
This obsession with performance reminds me of when I was atAVN. There was a booth fora special watch called Time to Squirtwhich measures the speed of the wearer’s arm movements and instructs them when to speed up to induce vaginal ejaculation for their partner. Nevermind that people might have different sexual responses to stimuli and the speed that works for one is not fucking universal ffdgnkidfngikdfg oh my god why do I have to say this still?!
Also, what could be sexier than a partner literally LOOKING AT THEIR WATCH while they finger you? Nothing, I think.
—————
To commonfolk,We-Vibeis the company that makes “those couples’ toys,†but to sex toy aficionados, they’re the geniuses behind some of the most powerful rechargeable clit vibes around: the legendaryTangoandTouch. This year, to my squealing delight, they finally created a G-spot toy — andhit it out of the park. They also released a new version of their wearable vibrator, theWe-Vibe Sync, which now has multiple adjustment points to fit a wider variety of genital configurations. What?! Sex toys are not one-size-fits-all?!
Aside from the toys themselves, I appreciate We-Vibe’s approach to hawking them. Much of their marketing focuses on toy features rather than grandiose claims. http://nytimes.com/ know when to kill off a toy (coughtheThrillcough), and when to leverage a toy’s popularity (theDusk sleeve to hold the Tango). Best of all, they have always been super sweet to me, once even sending me a toy in my favorite color with no prompting — and no strings attached.
—————
There you have it! My favorites and least favorites of the past year. What about you? What was the best toy you discovered in 2016? The worst? Your favorite ridiculous sex toy trend?
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For overa decade, I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet.
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